Do You See What I See?

    As I’ve already shared, when we learned of Annie’s diagnosis before she was born, I saw her as the world might “see” her.   I saw a child who would look a little different and who would have physical and mental delays.   I insisted to God that I could not handle this.   But then we met her, and instantly I saw her as I should; as her mother.   She was, she is, beautiful.   Those almond-shaped eyes that I imagined would set her apart?  Well they do, but in a wonderful way. They are my favorite feature on her! I could stare into those eyes all day, because I believe her eyes lead right into her soul; A soul so pure, and so lovely, and so untouched by the very “world” that I, her own mother, have fallen prey to.

     I look at Annie now, and most of the time I don’t “see” her Down Syndrome. I see and know a baby just like any other 1-month old baby, and I wouldn't change a thing about her.  Not one. single. chromosome.  She’s starting to smile at us, loves to eat (and is still eating heartily!), poops (a lot!), and sleeps well (has even slept through the night on occasion!)

 

Really, Mom?  A bow bigger than my head??

 

    Before Annie was born, Matt and I talked about how/if we would tell our kids about her having Down Syndrome (our oldest is only 10). They knew about her heart condition, and we prayed for her as a family, but we hadn’t told them about DS.  I didn’t want to instill in them those very same pre-conceived ideas that had already gripped me.  We decided that in this situation, it would be best to be “reactive” rather than “proactive.”  In other words, we would cross that bridge when we came to it. We (at least I) tend to underestimate kids sometimes.  Where we adults agonize, and analyze, and worry about “what ifs,” they just live in the moment.  I learned a great lesson the first time they visited with their sister.  There was such pure love and happiness! (which I’m going to enjoy now, because it will no doubt dissolve as soon as she starts “bothering” them like the rest do!)  Not one of them seemed to notice any “differences” about her.   They don't see her slanted eyes or feel her low muscle tone….they just see Annie.  She's already one of the gang!!

    Charlie was with us when a doctor happened to mention Down Syndrome.  After the doctor left he asked us, “Does Annie have Down Syndrome?”  My heart sank as I looked at Matt and thought, “Here we go… the moment we’ve been anticipating.” Matt answered him, “Yes. Do you know what that means?” Charlie replied, “Does that mean she’s like Isaac?  He is soooo cute! " (Isaac is a little boy with DS who is on their Cross Country team)  And that was the end of the conversation.  That was enough for him.  It didn’t change his mind about Annie, or scare him as it had scared us.  Oh, what we can learn from our children!  

Matthew 18: 3-5- Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

   

    Now I’m not naive either.  As “Pollyanna” as this all might sound--the peace that we’ve found, and the “normalcy” that we still live--I realize that she is only a month old.  Differences will become more and more apparent as she gets older. We will have to cross that bridge with our kids as their peers begin to ask about Annie.  I fully expect that the feelings of fear and sadness and pity may again rear their ugly heads as we begin to see children her age, or younger, start to surpass her in milestones like sitting, crawling, walking, talking, learning……….. In fact, they already have crept in. The other night I was in Cleveland for a performance of “Wicked,” and there was a young man with Down Syndrome seated several seats away from me in the theatre.  I couldn’t see him, but would occasionally hear him yell out something inaudible, and I noticed him rocking out of the corner of my eye.  I immediately thought ahead to Annie’s future, and again pleaded, “Really God, me?? This is WAY bigger than me!” (And in case you haven’t seen me lately, I’m pretty darn big! Little Miss 6-pounder left me with a lot of baggage!)

 

But then, something wonderful happened.....

 

    After intermission, this young man sat in the seat right next to me.  I turned to look at him and saw his beautiful face and that infectious smile that is almost a trademark of people with Down Syndrome.  He continued with the rocking and occasional moans or shouting out (at appropriate times, mind you. That show is a riot!)  And then he reached over and grabbed my hand and he held it. I truly felt like it was God Himself who was holding my hand and saying, “Maggie, you’ve got this, because I’ve got you!”

 

Ahhhh, in His infinite wisdom, He is slowly teaching this blind Mama to see….

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P.S....Annie continues to show no signs of heart failure! Her color is great, her breathing is normal, and she was up 5 oz. last week! Grow Annie, grow!

P.P.S....She was baptized this weekend!  She's now an official member of the Catholic Church and official Child of God!  (Although was there really any doubt?)