This was a brutal winter in the midwest, but in many ways, my winter started long before the first snowfall or subzero temperature (or snow day...I lost count somewhere around 15!?). Between the pregnancy complications, losing my mom, and the crushing blow of Annie's dual-diagnosis, all in one month's time, my heart felt as barren as the winter trees.
lifeless
wilting
colorless
dying.....
But in her half-a-year with us, Annie has helped make me whole again.
Alive!
She is motivating me to stop and to smell the flowers; to recognize that in order to fully appreciate the brightness of the spring, you have to experience the darkness of the winter.
(Nearly) 11 years ago, when we welcomed our first son, the litany of "milestones" became almost like millstones around my neck. I found myself meticulously comparing him to what he "should" be doing, and to what other babies his age were doing; rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, eating, teething, talking.....it all became like a high stakes game that boiled down to one final question:
"Is my kid like all the rest??"
Charlie was an early walker, got his first tooth at 4 months old, doubled his birth weight by 9 months....right on target, or even early, for most milestones. All worthy of a "status update" (had it been an option at the time) But he couldn't talk. By age 3, while most of our friend's kids were singing the alphabet, reading flashcards, and carrying full conversations, my baby pointed and grunted. I was petrified that something was wrong with him. I read up on autism, vaccination side effects, learning disabilities, speech delays...you name it, I Googled it, trying to diagnose my son.
Flash-forward 5 kids, and a whole lot of experiences, later and I'm finally starting to get it. Why is it that even within our own families, we sometimes get so caught up in what a child should be doing, that we forget to notice, and more importantly to celebrate, what they are doing?
I spent so much time in my own "winter," so frozen in fear over what Annie would not be able to do (or do with great difficulty) rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, eating, teething, talking.....only this time, I didn't have to ask. They had already told me:
My kid was not like all the rest.
At 6 months old (already!!), Annie can't sit up on her own. She can't crawl, or even get up on her knees. She hasn't rolled from her back to her stomach yet. There aren't any teeth on the horizon (interesting fact I just learned recently, children with Down Syndrome don't often get their first tooth until about 1 year) She weighs less than some newborn babies, and still isn't gaining but maybe an ounce a week.
But this doesn't bother me so much anymore. I'm learning to savor the sweet baby that she is, rather than to wish her time away by checking off milestones.
That's not to say we won't work at reaching them with all that we have. Annie is one of the hardest workers I know, actually. She has 3 therapists who see her; one weekly, one biweekly, and one once a month. We log her tummy time every day. She wears activity monitors for a 24 hour period as part of a study. She works! And I have no doubt Annie will roll. Annie will sit. Annie will walk. Annie will talk. Annie will be exactly who God created her to be, and who am I to do anything but to encourage and embrace that?
She makes it so darn easy........
But I do know this: I thank God for all of my little flowers--each blooming, growing, unfolding and blossoming in his/her own time--who put a spring in my step every. single. day.
HEART UPDATE: It has been a little over 2 months since her surgery, and Annie's latest echocardiogram and EKG showed that heart function is great! She doesn't see her cardiologist again until July! Praise God....one less appointment!
And check out this funny little face she makes lately...she puts her lips together and blows. We say she's "tooting her own horn." By all means, toot away, baby! You've earned it! ;)
