"Ok Lord....I admit it! I surrender! Mercy! Those people who bombard me in the grocery store? They're right! I DO have my hands full already. I can't possibly parent a child with special needs. I do not have it in me. You have mistaken me for someone much more patient, kind, open-minded, compassionate.... I get frustrated doing homework with my "typical" kids. I. CAN'T. DO. THIS! I don't want to do this! Not me! Why me? I don't want to be that family....the family with the "Down's" kid. Pitied. Stared at. I can't bear the heartache of seeing my child struggle, or made fun of, or left out. I was so excited for Emma to have a sister. Their relationship is going to be nothing like I had envisioned it would be. Poor Emma. Poor Annie. Poor ME! What's going to happen to her when Matt and I die? What if she doesn't even survive her heart surgery? I just lost my Mom, and now this?? Really? You bless my life abundantly up until now, free from any real suffering, and then BAM! 2 curveballs within a month? FATHER, PLEASE, TAKE THIS CUP FROM ME!!!!!"
When we first learned of Annie's heart defect and the possiblity of Down Syndrome (our odds were 1:2), we declined an amniocentisis which would tell us for sure. We didn't want to risk the baby any more than she already was when it would make no difference in how, or if, we proceeded with the pregnancy. But, call it mother's intuition, I just knew it to be true in my heart. And the way the doctors talked to us, as if our baby was broken or defective, I knew they were pretty confident too. I was sure I was feeling exactly like Christ was feeling during His moment of agony in the Garden. It was so painful and gut-wrenching. Matt hurt too. I remember him looking over at me at one point, his voice quivering, and saying, "It is what it is, right? We will love her." Even before we had children, it was always understood that we would accept anything God gave us, the good and the bad. It's what marriage is built on afterall. You know, the 'ol "God won't give you any more than you can handle" greeting card sentiment? It sounds so beautiful and so confident and so easy. Now, here we were, being called to surrender our will to Thy will be done, and to practice what we've always preached, and suddenly there was such discord. Is this really happening? He's nuts if He thinks we can handle this!
We met with the cardiologist and he did an echocardiogram of Annie's heart (truly amazing, actually), and thoroughly explained her defect to us. It's as if he were speaking Chinese with a Russian accent though, because I heard nothing. All I saw, literally, was my baby's broken heart on the monitor, and all I felt was my own. Matt comprehended a little more and translated for me: ASVD defect.....2 holes in her heart....Won't close on their own....Definite open heart surgery, probably around 3 months of age.....Expect heart failure to set in.....Difficulty breathing.... Difficulty eating....Will likely turn blue....Lasix.....Digoxin... These were some of the very same problems and medications my mother had before she died, only she was 84! He was talking about our baby girl, who wasn't even born yet! My God, My God!
Matt left to go home to the kids for the night (I was still in the hospital on bedrest) and I don't think I ever closed my eyes. I cried, I tossed and turned, I Googled all sorts of things I shouldn't have (note to self and to all: Google is not your friend!) and I cried some more. I was not ready for a lot people to know. I couldn't comprehend it all myself, and I certainly didn't want to talk about it. An elephant had walked into the room- into our life-that day. What would people say? What would they not say? I could hear the thoughts, "If only they would have stopped having babies while they were ahead....Poor Matt and Maggie....."
In my distress, I sent an email to a select few: my Dad, my brothers and sisters, my mother-in-law, and a few close friends, explaining our news and seeking their prayers. I also gave Mom her first Heavenly assignment, to watch over her granddaughter. What began with these first few prayer warriors eventually grew into an all-out army over the next two months. We soon had people we didn't even know praying for us!
I isolated myself for a while because I didn't want people asking me how my pregnancy was going, and have to cheerfully pretend that everything was wonderful. Instead, consumed with worry and anxiety, I scrutinized every ultrasound picture I had of Annie (and I had a lot!) over and over, looking for some "clue" into who she was. I read countless articles about ASVD defects, children with Down Syndrome and all of their expected delays, open heart surgery in infants.....But, unlike Christ, who was abandoned by His friends in His hour of agony, mine we there, steadily praying for Annie, for me, and for our family. They never once "fell asleep" on me.
As shameful as it is for me to admit this, my prayers during the first couple of weeks were for God to change Annie. I pleaded with Him to free her from the heart defect and to have her born without Down Syndrome, because I didn't think I could handle it. But slowly, I believe through His grace and the support of others, I began to pray for the change to be made in me instead, and for Him to change my heart, not Annie's. Afterall, if this is how God designed her, why would I argue with the Master Artist?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Two Steps Back
Before I can move forward with present day, I need to go back a bit. Let's start at the beginning......Not at the beginning of my life (as exciting as it is! Ha!), but at the beginning of Annie's, our #6.
We waited a little longer than usual to tell everyone about this pregnancy. I marvel at what some people will say when it comes to one's children, as if they have a personal or financial stake in their upbringing. We have found that when you announce Baby #1 or Baby #2, people are generally very happy and excited! #3 is pushing it (unless, of course, you're going for "that boy" or "that girl" after having 2 of the same gender) That was our case with our Emma, #3. Then surely, everyone thought, we were done, right? Afterall, we "had our girl," and "our hands were full" (a comment heard during every trip to the grocery store. every. single. one.) By #4 and #5 it's not uncommon to be asked if they are all from the same father (true story!), or if you have figured out how this works...So, weary of the comments, we kept the news of our wonderful blessing a secret for almost 2 months before revealing it to our town criers: Charlie, Jack, Emma, Max and Mason.
From the start, this pregnancy felt just a little different. I chalked it up to the advanced maternal age so boldly inscribed at the top of my chart. My body felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck! How in the world did my mom do this 9 times? How has Michelle Duggar done it 19 times and counting???
I found out we were having a girl the week of Father's Day (lucky for the boys, because had it been another boy, Emma and I were planning on high-tailing it out of here! ha!), and surprised Matt with the announcement as his Father's Day gift. Even he sighed in relief. The thought of another lightsaber weilding mad-man joining this crew even scared big, strong Daddy! We named her Julia. I loved the name, and Matt was willing to compromise. He liked Julianne, but that just made me think of potatoes! (Actually, I thought of food all the time. I am a Suter, and I was pregnant...a bad, bad combination.)
During my 20-week scan, it was discovered that my cervix was already thinning and measuring at a centimeter. My doctor was very concerned, sent me over the the hospital for a more thorough exam, and I was put on "moderate bedrest" indefinitely. This meant no more running, walking, cutting the grass (darn it!), trips to the zoo (because the ramp at the Toledo Zoo is enough to put even non-pregnant women into labor!), and so on. I was put on daily Progesterone suppositories (awesome!), Procardia to stop contractions, and told to "lay low." I asked my doctor, who had already delivered #'s 1-5, if he remembered what I had back at home?? Lay-low? They'll destroy me!
My family and friends really stepped in to help me from going stir-crazy! People brought us meals, took the kids on playdates, and offered help wherever needed. I tried (kind of) to follow doctor's orders, and had daily brawls with my cervix: "Really Cervix? I've sailed through 5 pregnancies with no mention of this, and you choose to peter out now? Did someone tell you I was of advanced maternal age? I'm only 38!!"
Over July 4th weekend I put all "bedrest" to bed and we hosted the Suter Family (Team Suter!) Reunion at our house, the house that until 2 years prior, my Mom and Dad had lived in for 40 years. All nine of us were home, and (nearly) all of the 24 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren were there. It was a wonderful weekend celebrating our family! And it turned out to be the last weekend we would all be together with our Mom. Three weeks later, everyone was back again as we laid her to rest. Her health been going downhill a good part of the year, and her fight was over. Here I was, about to become a mother again, and I had to say good-bye to my own mother. We will all be forever grateful for that reunion. Someday soon I will tell you more about my beautiful, wonderful Mom.... I miss her everyday.
Three weeks after Mom's funeral, still numb with grief, I was sent back to the hospital because my cervix had thinned even more. I was to be on complete bedrest for a few days (Um, "Aint nobody got time for that!"), injected with steroids to hasten the baby's lung development in the event of preterm delivery (I was 29 weeks pregnant at this point), and was sent down for a Level II ultrasound the following day. Oh Good! Another peek at Anne! (Yes, Julia had now become Anne.) When Mom died we wanted a way to honor her, and Anne was her middle name. It seemed a perfect way! Little did I know that a whole lot more than her name was about to change.....
I was alone that morning. Matt was home with the kids and I saw no reason he had to come in for this. The ultrasound seemed to be taking forever, but I didn't think too much of it. I never grow tired of seeing my babies swimming away in their "quiet place," and I reminded her to enjoy it now because our house is anything but quiet! Nearly an hour into it, the nurse told me she had to check on something and would be right back. She came back with a man, who I later learned was a pediatric cardiologist, and he began to scan me again. Their silence was chilling. When he finally spoke, he asked a question I will never forget: "Did you have the First Trimester Screen? (a test to determine a likelihood of any chromosonal defects) "Yes, I had and I was told everything was fine. Why?" I answered. "I'm afraid that your baby has a heart defect (big punch in the gut), and this particular defect, as well as some other markers we see on your baby, highly coincides with Down Syndrome." (Knock-out.) My heart broke that day too.
We waited a little longer than usual to tell everyone about this pregnancy. I marvel at what some people will say when it comes to one's children, as if they have a personal or financial stake in their upbringing. We have found that when you announce Baby #1 or Baby #2, people are generally very happy and excited! #3 is pushing it (unless, of course, you're going for "that boy" or "that girl" after having 2 of the same gender) That was our case with our Emma, #3. Then surely, everyone thought, we were done, right? Afterall, we "had our girl," and "our hands were full" (a comment heard during every trip to the grocery store. every. single. one.) By #4 and #5 it's not uncommon to be asked if they are all from the same father (true story!), or if you have figured out how this works...So, weary of the comments, we kept the news of our wonderful blessing a secret for almost 2 months before revealing it to our town criers: Charlie, Jack, Emma, Max and Mason.
From the start, this pregnancy felt just a little different. I chalked it up to the advanced maternal age so boldly inscribed at the top of my chart. My body felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck! How in the world did my mom do this 9 times? How has Michelle Duggar done it 19 times and counting???
I found out we were having a girl the week of Father's Day (lucky for the boys, because had it been another boy, Emma and I were planning on high-tailing it out of here! ha!), and surprised Matt with the announcement as his Father's Day gift. Even he sighed in relief. The thought of another lightsaber weilding mad-man joining this crew even scared big, strong Daddy! We named her Julia. I loved the name, and Matt was willing to compromise. He liked Julianne, but that just made me think of potatoes! (Actually, I thought of food all the time. I am a Suter, and I was pregnant...a bad, bad combination.)
During my 20-week scan, it was discovered that my cervix was already thinning and measuring at a centimeter. My doctor was very concerned, sent me over the the hospital for a more thorough exam, and I was put on "moderate bedrest" indefinitely. This meant no more running, walking, cutting the grass (darn it!), trips to the zoo (because the ramp at the Toledo Zoo is enough to put even non-pregnant women into labor!), and so on. I was put on daily Progesterone suppositories (awesome!), Procardia to stop contractions, and told to "lay low." I asked my doctor, who had already delivered #'s 1-5, if he remembered what I had back at home?? Lay-low? They'll destroy me!
My family and friends really stepped in to help me from going stir-crazy! People brought us meals, took the kids on playdates, and offered help wherever needed. I tried (kind of) to follow doctor's orders, and had daily brawls with my cervix: "Really Cervix? I've sailed through 5 pregnancies with no mention of this, and you choose to peter out now? Did someone tell you I was of advanced maternal age? I'm only 38!!"
Over July 4th weekend I put all "bedrest" to bed and we hosted the Suter Family (Team Suter!) Reunion at our house, the house that until 2 years prior, my Mom and Dad had lived in for 40 years. All nine of us were home, and (nearly) all of the 24 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren were there. It was a wonderful weekend celebrating our family! And it turned out to be the last weekend we would all be together with our Mom. Three weeks later, everyone was back again as we laid her to rest. Her health been going downhill a good part of the year, and her fight was over. Here I was, about to become a mother again, and I had to say good-bye to my own mother. We will all be forever grateful for that reunion. Someday soon I will tell you more about my beautiful, wonderful Mom.... I miss her everyday.
Three weeks after Mom's funeral, still numb with grief, I was sent back to the hospital because my cervix had thinned even more. I was to be on complete bedrest for a few days (Um, "Aint nobody got time for that!"), injected with steroids to hasten the baby's lung development in the event of preterm delivery (I was 29 weeks pregnant at this point), and was sent down for a Level II ultrasound the following day. Oh Good! Another peek at Anne! (Yes, Julia had now become Anne.) When Mom died we wanted a way to honor her, and Anne was her middle name. It seemed a perfect way! Little did I know that a whole lot more than her name was about to change.....
I was alone that morning. Matt was home with the kids and I saw no reason he had to come in for this. The ultrasound seemed to be taking forever, but I didn't think too much of it. I never grow tired of seeing my babies swimming away in their "quiet place," and I reminded her to enjoy it now because our house is anything but quiet! Nearly an hour into it, the nurse told me she had to check on something and would be right back. She came back with a man, who I later learned was a pediatric cardiologist, and he began to scan me again. Their silence was chilling. When he finally spoke, he asked a question I will never forget: "Did you have the First Trimester Screen? (a test to determine a likelihood of any chromosonal defects) "Yes, I had and I was told everything was fine. Why?" I answered. "I'm afraid that your baby has a heart defect (big punch in the gut), and this particular defect, as well as some other markers we see on your baby, highly coincides with Down Syndrome." (Knock-out.) My heart broke that day too.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Here Goes.
Here I am, entering the blogging world, kicking and screaming (oh wait, that's actually the kids kicking and screaming. Any one of them. At any given time.)
Yes, I have 6 children....one is brand new! I can't wait for you to meet her, and her brothers and sister, through this blog. Yes, I know what causes this (you oughta try it!) And Yes, I'm crazy........about my family! About big families in general! And why wouldn't I be? Were it not for a certain big family (Team Suter!!!), I would not be here. It was a LONG way to get to #9, but I'm sure glad Mom and Dad went for it! And I'm crazy about the person with whom I'm co-creating all of these beautiful lives (yes, God), but also my husband Matt, who you will also meet along the way.....
So, besides being a "freak of nature" and having 6 children, within 10 years, what is it that is so fascinating about my life that people would want to read about it?? Absolutely nothing. We just go about our business, doing the best we can, raising little saints. (I'm not being sarcastic here. That's really what we're doing! It's what all parents are called to do, really...to raise little saints!)
But we faced some challenges over the past few months that propelled me to reach out to our close personal friends and ever-faithful family. I was rattled. I was shaken. My usual "happy-go-lucky" self was not so happy. I needed help, so I went where I knew I could find it. And I wanted to go no further. I didn't need the whole world to know, just MY own little world. And as always, our family, friends and faith community were amazingly supportive, and lifted me up through their love, prayer and service until I found joy again. And then, on November 4, I met pure Joy, who we named "Annie." Oh my gosh, wait til you meet her.
And it's Annie who has inspired me to start this blog (and her cousins Jamie, Cristin, Casey; her Aunt Mary; our friend Barbra....) All these little voices that kept saying, "Maybe you can help someone else who is experiencing the same thing!"
So, I'm going to give it my best shot. For Annie.
.
Yes, I have 6 children....one is brand new! I can't wait for you to meet her, and her brothers and sister, through this blog. Yes, I know what causes this (you oughta try it!) And Yes, I'm crazy........about my family! About big families in general! And why wouldn't I be? Were it not for a certain big family (Team Suter!!!), I would not be here. It was a LONG way to get to #9, but I'm sure glad Mom and Dad went for it! And I'm crazy about the person with whom I'm co-creating all of these beautiful lives (yes, God), but also my husband Matt, who you will also meet along the way.....
So, besides being a "freak of nature" and having 6 children, within 10 years, what is it that is so fascinating about my life that people would want to read about it?? Absolutely nothing. We just go about our business, doing the best we can, raising little saints. (I'm not being sarcastic here. That's really what we're doing! It's what all parents are called to do, really...to raise little saints!)
But we faced some challenges over the past few months that propelled me to reach out to our close personal friends and ever-faithful family. I was rattled. I was shaken. My usual "happy-go-lucky" self was not so happy. I needed help, so I went where I knew I could find it. And I wanted to go no further. I didn't need the whole world to know, just MY own little world. And as always, our family, friends and faith community were amazingly supportive, and lifted me up through their love, prayer and service until I found joy again. And then, on November 4, I met pure Joy, who we named "Annie." Oh my gosh, wait til you meet her.
And it's Annie who has inspired me to start this blog (and her cousins Jamie, Cristin, Casey; her Aunt Mary; our friend Barbra....) All these little voices that kept saying, "Maybe you can help someone else who is experiencing the same thing!"
So, I'm going to give it my best shot. For Annie.
.
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