My Agony in the Garden

"Ok Lord....I admit it!  I surrender!  Mercy!  Those people who bombard me in the grocery store?  They're right!  I DO have my hands full already.  I can't possibly parent a child with special needs.  I do not have it in me.  You have mistaken me for someone much more patient, kind, open-minded, compassionate....  I get frustrated doing homework with my "typical" kids.  I. CAN'T. DO. THIS!  I don't want to do this!  Not me!  Why me?  I don't want to be that family....the family with the "Down's" kid.  Pitied.  Stared at.  I can't bear the heartache of seeing my child struggle, or made fun of, or left out.  I was so excited for Emma to have a sister.  Their relationship is going to be nothing like I had envisioned it would be.  Poor Emma.  Poor Annie.  Poor ME!  What's going to happen to her when Matt and I die?  What if she doesn't even survive her heart surgery?  I just lost my Mom, and now this??  Really?  You bless my life abundantly up until now, free from any real suffering, and then BAM! 2 curveballs within a month?  FATHER, PLEASE, TAKE THIS CUP FROM ME!!!!!"
    When we first learned of Annie's heart defect and the possiblity of Down Syndrome (our odds were 1:2), we declined an amniocentisis which would tell us for sure.  We didn't want to risk the baby any more than she already was when it would make no difference in how, or if, we proceeded with the pregnancy.  But, call it mother's intuition, I just knew it to be true in my heart.  And the way the doctors talked to us, as if our baby was broken or defective, I knew they were pretty confident too.  I was sure I was feeling exactly like Christ was feeling during His moment of agony in the Garden. It was so painful and gut-wrenching.  Matt hurt too.   I remember him looking over at me at one point, his voice quivering, and saying, "It is what it is, right?  We will love her."  Even before we had children, it was always understood that we would accept anything God gave us, the good and the bad.  It's what marriage is built on afterall.  You know, the 'ol "God won't give you any more than you can handle" greeting card sentiment?  It sounds so beautiful and so confident and so easy.  Now, here we were, being called to surrender our will to Thy will be done, and to practice what we've always preached, and suddenly there was such discord.  Is this really happening?  He's nuts if He thinks we can handle this! 
    We met with the cardiologist and he did an echocardiogram of Annie's heart (truly amazing, actually), and thoroughly explained her defect to us.  It's as if he were speaking Chinese with a Russian accent though, because I heard nothing.  All I saw, literally, was my baby's broken heart on the monitor, and all I felt was my own.  Matt comprehended a little more and translated for me:  ASVD defect.....2 holes in her heart....Won't close on their own....Definite open heart surgery, probably around 3 months of age.....Expect heart failure to set in.....Difficulty breathing.... Difficulty eating....Will likely turn blue....Lasix.....Digoxin...  These were some of the very same problems and medications my mother had before she died, only she was 84!  He was talking about our baby girl, who wasn't even born yet!  My God, My God!
    Matt left to go home to the kids for the night (I was still in the hospital on bedrest) and I don't think I ever closed my eyes.  I cried, I tossed and turned, I Googled all sorts of things I shouldn't have (note to self and to all: Google is not your friend!) and I cried some more.  I was not ready for a lot people to know.  I couldn't comprehend it all myself, and I certainly didn't want to talk about it.  An elephant had walked into the room- into our life-that day.  What would people say?  What would they not say?   I could hear the thoughts, "If only they would have stopped having babies while they were ahead....Poor Matt and Maggie....." 
    In my distress, I sent an email to a select few: my Dad, my brothers and sisters, my mother-in-law, and a few close friends, explaining our news and seeking their prayers.  I also gave Mom her first Heavenly assignment, to watch over her granddaughter.  What began with these first few prayer warriors eventually grew into an all-out army over the next two months. We soon had people we didn't even know praying for us! 
     I isolated myself for a while because I didn't want people asking me how my pregnancy was going, and have to cheerfully pretend that everything was wonderful.  Instead, consumed with worry and anxiety, I scrutinized every ultrasound picture I had of Annie (and I had a lot!) over and over, looking for some "clue" into who she was.  I read countless articles about ASVD defects, children with Down Syndrome and all of their expected delays, open heart surgery in infants.....But, unlike Christ, who was abandoned by His friends in His hour of agony, mine we there, steadily praying for Annie, for me, and for our family.  They never once "fell asleep" on me.
   As shameful as it is for me to admit this, my prayers during the first couple of weeks were for God to change Annie. I pleaded with Him to free her from the heart defect and to have her born without Down Syndrome, because I didn't think I could handle it.  But slowly, I believe through His grace and the support of others, I began to pray for the change to be made in me instead, and for Him to change my heart, not Annie's.  Afterall, if this is how God designed her, why would I argue with the Master Artist?